For 57 years I survived, sometimes with
passion, sometimes in desperation. I always saw life as hard
work, something I had to earn. I depended on knowledge and
willpower to help me overcome the abuse, neglect and pain I
experienced at every stage of my life. Every new source of
anger, fear or pain became the fuel for me to seek more
knowledge and strengthen my willpower. I was convinced that
if I knew more I could understand and, if I wanted to, I
could change anything in my life to bring me happiness and
love.
After losing my father to cancer in 1993, and caring for the
next three years for my mother with Alzheimer’s, I started
taking anti-depressants in 1996. I was told my depression
was like having a chronic disease that I would need to
medicate for the rest of my life. I believed my doctor who
is a Christian and a friend, but, I still thought my
knowledge and willpower would be enough to make a decent
life for me and my family.
I thought that the “abundant” life promised in the Bible was
almost a joke. And the one word I have always avoided as
though it mocked and defeated me was “hope.” As I had looked
to my future with expectancy, I had been let down,
disappointed and hurt again and again and again. I had asked
God, “Abundant pain? Abundant grieving? Hope of what? More
pain?”
By February, 2007, I had come to the end of my knowledge of
what to do and ran out of the will to try anything more. I
just wanted to be free from the constant pain and weariness
that made it hard to even breathe. On that February morning
I believed that my body could not take any more and I would
die. I was without hope. In His mercy, God gave me friends
to pray with and for me. A faithful friend, Jo, and my
priest, Fr. Rob Sanders, stopped by that day. As they prayed
for me, Fr. Rob asked God to bind my broken heart as it is
written in Isaiah 61:1. My spirit quickened and I knew
immediately that was the truth.
I was broken-hearted, broken-hearted by a severely
neglectful and abusive mother and an absent father, then,
broken-hearted by the loss of those parents I worked so hard
to make love me. I had been broken-hearted by the molester
who lived next door and a priest when I had gone to join his
church. I had been broken-hearted by my first husband who
tried to kill me. I was broken-hearted by the bad choices I
had made to find comfort, validation and love. All of that I
grieved, but, it did not stop there. I was broken-hearted by
the death of my sister who lost her fight with brain cancer.
My heart cried out in anguish at the tremendous change and
loss in my relationship with my husband because of his
illness, multiple sclerosis. I was broken-hearted and
grieved the distance in my relationships with my three
children caused by my own illness. All the dreams and hopes
I had were gone and I seemed as helpless and powerless as I
had been when I was an infant abused by my mother.
And then there was that prayer. After Fr. Rob’s prayer, I
fell asleep. When I awoke; I heard two words, “Rise,
Lazarus!” I knew I had to choose to Respond, so I got up and
got dressed. Then I heard, “You need a Savior.” Yes, I had
accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior years ago, but I had
still been trying to save myself, trying to make myself
better, good enough, worthy, needed, wanted by people and
God. Now I knew I needed more than all the knowledge and
will-power I had; I needed Christ Jesus.
I realized there is nothing I have or can do that can save
me. And there is nothing I have or can do that will give me
a life worth living instead of a life without love in this
cold, dark world. I had to die to be free, die to myself. I
had held on as long as I could to my two idols: knowledge
and will-power, thinking they were what I needed to survive.
I had to lay them down at Christ's feet in total humble
submission.
Jesus said that His people are dying from lack of knowledge,
and as much as I valued knowledge, I was dying from lack of
the knowledge of God’s Word and how to use it in my life.
Now I am “seeing” and “hearing” the same scriptures I have
read for years as if for the first time. I have learned that
the world taught me that all the experiences of my life
meant that I was not worth caring for, that my needs were
not important and that there was nothing I could do to
change that in the future. Just as I was going under,
weighted down with concrete-like blocks of disillusionment,
pain and regret pulling me into the murky sludge of this
world to kill me, Christ cut the chains and I am set free! I
have been washed and made clean! I actually have the
abundant life He promised! I am rich with the overflowing
joy of God’s love. Everything that had been hurtful and
destructive is now the rich soil I am growing in daily to
produce loving fruit to glorify God. Now that I have tasted
real life, I know that any pain in my future is another
chance for God to heal something more in me so bring it on.
I want it all!
What I had learned from this world was in exact opposite to
what God wants me to know - that I am His beloved! I am the
apple of His eye! He has MY name written in the palm of His
hand! He knows every hair on my head. Oh, I am loved! I do
not have to prove my worth or earn His approval. I am His
beloved child and the righteousness of Christ! And there is
one thing that I learned that surprised me the most - Hope
is the Truth!
This testimony was written by Nancy herself and sent to me to be posted.
The Rev. Robert J. Sanders, Ph.D
2008